On Beauty

Sarcastic envy makes me bold
in mocking virtue I behold,
missing, my heart's cockles cold,
in everyone a strand of gold.

I know that beauty isn't everything, but sometimes I forget. Particularly when I come across someone who is stunningly gorgeous. When I see a stunningly gorgeous girl surrounded by admiring young men, my thoughts go like this:

Beauty = Admiration by males
Admiration by males <= Love
Love = Happiness

Therefore,

Beauty = Happiness

I knew a stunningly gorgeous girl in one of my wards (church congregations) at BYU. She was one of three girls with the same name, we'll say Brenda. To distinguish the three Brendas, me and my roommate made up nicknames. One of them, who made my cheeks ache just looking at her, we called Smiley Brenda. Another was just Brenda, because she had no obvious characteristics from which to hang a moniker. The third, the stunningly gorgeous one, was Barbie Brenda. It fit like a charm. She had all the signs: bleach-blonde hair, perfect complexion, and a ditzy lilt to her voice. Oh, and boys mooned over her like coyotes over the . . . well, the moon. One of those boys, who I knew since he was one of my home teachers, was crazy about her. He remained crazy about her all through his mission and I saw them together afterwards. I was pretty sure they'd be getting married. I was just surprised she hadn't gotten married before he came back. Even at the meatmarket that is BYU, where girls outnumber boys two to one (notwithstanding the myth of equal numbers), you could tell Barbie Brenda was a hot commodity.

That was the way I thought about her. Sarcasm made me feel better about being jealous. I chuckled with my roommate over Barbie Brenda and then after that school year I mostly forgot about her.

Still, I remembered her when she added me as a friend on Facebook. "How does she remember me? I'm not a boy. I don't remember if we even really talked," I thought as I paused over the button to accept her. "Eh, why not." Suddenly we were friends. I was curious about whether her statuses would give me more to chuckle over.

Ironically, she's the one who introduced me to TAMN. She said she loved this new blog and put the link in her status. Because it came through Barbie Brenda, it took me several articles, during which my jaw dropped and my sides ached from laughing so much, to realize it's a satire. It never occurred to me that Barbie Brenda, who I thought was a perfect candidate for "besties" with TAMN, would be deep enough to appreciate that kind of humor. It was only then that I began to think maybe Barbie Brenda wasn't the shallow one here.

I've looked a little more closely at this friend of mine. Strangely, she's not married at all. Like me, she's done with school for now. She spent some time doing social/humanitarian work in Mexico, and now she's not sure what exactly she wants to do with her life (also like me). She was engaged for a little while, but that broke off and it really hurt her. I followed her out to her blog and began reading some of her articles. Blown away. Her prose flows in smooth, image-laden sentences that make mine seem stodgy and rigid in comparison. She has sincere feelings and thoughts that rival the beauty of her face.

I began to think about what it would be like to be Barbie Brenda. I imagine that she is hated for her good looks just as much as she is adored for them. Maybe she feels more pressure than many single girls our age to be married, because she's got a face that's supposed to guarantee young love. She probably knows better than me or most other people that in the truly important areas of life, beauty doesn't count for anything. Beauty is not really the same as happiness. I bet she's come across a lot of people in her life who were sure they knew who she was just by looking at her. I would hate that, but yet I did it too, for the sake of my own pride. As I read her words, I was astonished at my own harsh insensitivity.

It's not much, but for what it's worth, I just wanted to say, Brenda, I am so sorry. I hope to prove myself a better friend in the future. And I mean it when I say you are beautiful.