I'm the one that writes my own story,
I decide the person I'll be.
What goes in the plot and what does not
Is pretty much up to me.
Carol Lynn Pearson & Lex de Azevedo, "My Story"
Last Valentine's Day I was sitting in a big old van with a bunch of my friends, driving home from a really fun overnight horseback riding/camping excursion. I had spent some time carefully flirting with the guy I really liked, who was now sitting on the same bench with me in the van. "We should all do something tonight," he said. "We've got a ton of food leftover. We could all go to my place or something and watch a movie."
There was a round of non-committal comments about taking showers and maybe meeting later. I added a "Yeah, that would be fun." But nobody really spoke in any affirmatives, and this guy didn't cement it as an actual plan. My hopes of spending more time with him dwindled as the silence in the van lengthened.
When we parked the van and started unloading our stuff into our separate cars, I heard another girl in the group talking to Mr. Noncommittal. "You can still do something, it's not that late. It's Valentine's Day. You don't have to be alone." He didn't reply, and I dawdled purposefully in my unloading, just in case he was trying to decide whether he should invite me over.
He got into his car and drove off.
Today we had our monthly ward potluck, and I was talking to a bunch of people in a group when one of them, a new guy that I've spent a little flirt on, brought up Valentine's Day plans. "It's probably going to be another SAD year for me," he said, chuckling.
"You know, it doesn't have to be," said a girl in our group. "You could actually ask someone on a date."
"Really?" said the guy in mock-shock.
"Yep," said the girl. "It's rare, but it happens."
He made a couple more pretending-to-be-shocked comments, but he didn't stick around much longer after the subject changed.
This Valentine's Day, I'm going to stay home and watch the Olympics.
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6 comments:
I'll probably be in the same situation this year because my current attraction is going to California for a dance competition (with a bunch of players!!!) Gah!!!
But I admit, I've been the loser guy who won't ask girls to do anything before. And that's a pretty miserable existence.
Anyway, here's hoping that things take a turn for the better for the both of us. There's still a few days left. Good Luck :)
Okay, so this is interesting to me to see the other side of the story. I guarantee you that I've stirred up the same kinds of exasperated feelings in girls in my single time.
I cannot accurately describe to you the power of the fear of rejection. "The worst that could happen is they say 'no'" really doesn't strike at the heart of it. Imagine a small voice in your head that periodically says, "I'm a loser." It remains fairly quiet usually, but in company it gets louder. When asking a girl if she'd like to do something it is literally screaming "I'M A LOSER I'M A LOSER I'M A LOSER!!"
It like some unfortunate disease. The logic is that if I'm attracted to a girl then by definition she must be disgusted by me. You confirm this delusion in everything you see. Woops, I just sniffled a little bit and it made a small snort sound, she probably heard that and is disgusted. Oh no I just tried to make a joke and she didn't register a response, obviously because she thinks I'm a moron. Oh I think I'm slouching a little bit and I hate how my neck sticks out, let me try to sit a little taller here and maybe... it's pure insanity. The more attracted I was to a girl the less likely I would talk to her or even look at her. If you were gorgeous, then I wouldn't even register your presence.
There are varying degrees of this disease of course, but it obviously puts the more forward girls at an advantage. Some guys will not feel comfortable asking a girl on a date unless the girl came up and said, "I personally find you deeply attractive and I want you to ask me out on a date."
I think the only cure for that disease is for someone to come and forcefully push them out of their comfort zone. Repeatedly.
I, unsurprisingly, believe that there are some great guys out there that have this problem. That this leads to a lot of frustrated girls is the result of the BS societal norms that women are supposed to be products on a shelf.
Forget luck. Luck has never done anything for you. Things are not just going to work out. You make them work out.
Sofal, you are so spot on. I'm glad I'm not the only one who is that deeply petrified by the fear of rejection.
I think I've heard that voice before Ryan.... SAD day is a very sad day for us all. I will most likely be at work so that I won't have to sit at home thinking "gee I wish that all the guys I know weren't so completely uninterested in me." Cheers to the olympics!
I think, really, men and women are very similar in their insecurities. I also have the most difficulty flirting with someone I actually like, and I likewise fear rejection. But see, for me, the fear isn't that someone will say no, it's that there will be nothing. He won't call, he won't ask me out, nothing. I HATE the nothing. After awhile I hate it so much that I try to breach the barrier myself by some bold move. Well, then that voice in guys' heads that tells them they're a loser must tell them I'm a freak if I like such a loser, so they're immediately repulsed, and I get more heaping servings of nothing, nothing, nothing, and I feel like a big idiot on top of that.
I don't mind it if it's the girl's job to flirt and massage guys' egos or whatnot. People can hide behind their rage over the "system" if they want, but it works when everyone does their part. I really appreciate the leadership, planning, and providing abilities that are demonstrated by a guy in the traditional date scenario, because those are indicators of important qualifications for Mr. Right status. In return, I try to focus on the guy's needs and make him feel comfortable and happy, which suits my womanly interpersonal skills. This initial setup doesn't bother me (though I think it evolves as the relationship progresses--but I'll save that for another entry). What DOES bother me is when guys don't catch on and reciprocate and I just get more nothing, nothing, and nothing.
Bottom line is, I'm interested in a man who knows what he wants and goes after it. I don't mind if he's as afraid as I am; I just mind if he lets fear control him.
It's months after you've made this post and I'm commenting because one phrase has echoed inside my head. And you know what happens to a SAH Mom who, when she's not catering to others' whims, is her own boss? She thinks about the echo.
The phrase is your "carefully flirt". I did this until I realized that I'd been flirting with Just'In the entire past year, and was just so happy to be his friend that I hadn't noticed. I had kept the attraction I had to him quiet since day one.
I ended up doing something about it. But what's been rattling around in my head is that the flirting ended up being spontaneous and just instinct, not planned, not placed. I did plenty of that, too, with other guys. Maybe flirtation should just be a natural thing. Laughing, touching, teasing.
Of course, it took me all of high school to figure out what flirting was, exactly. Once I figured out that I'd been doing it this whole time...well, the way Just'In tells our "how we ended up getting married" story, he makes it sound like I pounced. Out of nowhere. And he just happened to like it.
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